Friday's letters

Ahem... Please bear with me whilst i off load.


Dear Dog

Please stop humping everything in sight. Before long you will have your knackers chopped off and you won't be able to do it AT ALL then. So get used to it.


Yours lovingly,

Owner. Who you will learn to love again when your wounds are healed.


Dear Mice who live above our room

Kindly, die. Thank you.

Not truly, faithfully or lovingly,

Angry resident living below.


Dear Candy Crush Saga players

Please stop sending me requests to send you a life, upgrade you to the next level or send you jelly covered humbugging liquorice crap. I have no interest in such games anymore. Purely because i couldn't complete level 98.

Thanking you.



Dear April,

If you could kindly come and go in a day that would be fantastic. My brain cannot cope with the amount of birthday, anniversaries and everything else going on. And neither can my purse. Every year you hunt us down, take all our money and leave without saying goodbye. You never bring us sunshine, always rain. So if you could just bypass us and move on to May that would be fan-dabee-doozee.

The Rawles famalam.


Dear children,

When i grew you inside me, i loved you from the start. I loved those little movements and uppercuts to the ribs. I grew you all so perfectly, 10 little toes and 10 little fingers. I also grew you a pair of ears, that generally you use to listen with. So, if you would be so kind as to use them that would be magnificent. For instance, when i call your name you could use them and listen and reply with "yes mummy, you called?" or "what can i help you with mummy?" or a simple "i'm coming" would do. Instead of standing there blanked face like you are actually zombified and deaf. Mummy made those ears with love and care, so lets use them to our FULL advantage!!




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