Today, the 1st September, I should be celebrating my Dad's birthday. I should be round his house having a take away and a bottle of wine, telling him all about our holiday this week and showing him all the new things my children have learnt.
Instead, i'm sat at home feeling glum not even knowing where he lives. I can't even remember how old he is.
I was debating whether or not to write this on the blog as it is fairly personal, but i figured he probably won't ever see it and i have no where else to write it anyway.
Growing up i always i thought i was a bit of a Daddy's girl. I often got my way (much to my brothers annoyance) and we always had a good time together. As i grew older, my life changed and so did his. I fell pregnant with H and he clearly wasn't happy about it. ("Do you know who the dad is?" was the first thing he asked when i told him i was pregnant.) He didn't come to the hospital when i was very poorly after i had given birth which i was very very upset about. He did come and see him when he was about a week old, however that and one or two other times were the only time he had seen him.
A lot of disagreements later, 3 children down the line, a wedding passed and missed and a lot of memories made, I don't even know how i feel. I did try and make it up a couple of times, he met Oliver once when he was 5 months old in a stupid attempt to patch things up, i text him welcoming him to our new home so he could meet my Husband and my first born and that was that. No more to be heard.
Not so long ago Harvey said to me over lunch, "I have never met your Dad have I, Mummy?" and i could have curled up there and then. The pain i felt and the tears that flowed said it all. My babies will never know their Grandad (who, by the way, refused to be called that and wanted to be called by his first name.). It's a good job my step-dad is the most fantastic Grandad any child could ask for and he adores them, and they him. However, he will always be a hole in my heart that will never be filled.
Whilst i ponder on what could have been... I'm going to tuck into my Graze box that was delivered this week...